In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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