Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
