I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
