News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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