Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
