you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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