So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
