I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
