I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
