So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
