Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
