Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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