Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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