I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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