final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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