I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
