I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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