i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
