the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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