My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
