I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
