You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
