Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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