i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
