you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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