By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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