Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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