my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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