I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
