is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
