I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
