my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
