3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
