Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
