it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
