I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
