There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So many bounce houses so little time
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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