you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
