I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dick very happy bro
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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