butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
