i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
