i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
