She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
