in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
