i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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