can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
