If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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