I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
