she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
