2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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