The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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