During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
