When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
