3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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